Well.....

As you will notice, I didn't learn how to use the scanner :), I used a few Dirk had scanned in before, then I just took pictures of my pictures....kind of cheating kind of symbolic--or at least I tell myself that! Tomorrow, I start fresh, good picture, accepting the me of now, and becoming the healthiest, happiest me possible!

Next 20 years.....

This is Kayleigh and me on the day we returned home from the hospital.

This one really scanned badly, but I am the one in the back, Kayleigh (1o yrs old) is beside me, then my ex-bil, my sister, Nathan (2 yrs old) and Athena (6 yrs old) are in the bottom row. This was taken on one of my sister and bil's short trips home. Dirk was out of town and was in deep trouble for missing the family picture day!

This is Just 4 years later and the year I started the Center. I am still in the back, with Kayleigh then Athena and my mom and my sister in front. Sorry about the hot spot!

This is the last picture the family took together and now Kayleigh is missing (as well as long gone ex-bil), this was taken the spring after she left for college and she couldn't make it back. This one is almost 3 years old at this point, yet it seems like yesterday.

Pictures of me, (the first 20 yrs)

In this picture we had just moved from WI to KY and I was about 2 1/2 yrs old. I had lost one younger brother already and my mom was pregnant again.

In this picture I am almost 4 and getting ready to say goodbye to yet another sibling. She was born with polycystic kidneys, same as my brother only she lived for almost 2 years.

By the time this picture is taken, I am an only child again.

Doesn't everybody have at least one old recital picture? I loved being in dance class. I didn't get to stay in to long though because my next sister was born.

She's two in this picture and I am almost 9. This is when I started riding the public bus system after school, by myself. It was also when I started hanging out on college campuses...because that is where my mom worked.

This picture was taken very shortly after we 'moved up' in the world and were living in the 'it' neighborhood. Too bad I never fit in with the 'it' crowd.

Entering those awkward teen years! I was almost 13 in this picture. Every bit a geek and nerd! I was on the rifle team, ROTC Drill team (spinning the rifles), and playing role-playing games as well as investigating the occult.

The last picture taken before I got married. Followed a couple years later by getting pregnant. Just before my body when haywire....

Next post I will try and find pictures that sum up the last 20 years....Then on News Year Day, I my goal is to post a brand new picture of myself that I like that will help me keep plugging along trying to figure out what went wrong biologically.

What I watched last night.....

From its website: "When Do We Eat?" is the story of the "world's fastest Seder" gone horribly awry. It's about an old school dad (Michael Lerner) who's as tough on his sons as his father (Jack Klugman) is on him. On this night, however, one of the boys (Ben Feldman) slips Dad a dose of special, psychedelic Ecstasy in order "to give him a new perspective."

Meanwhile, Mom (Lesley Ann Warren) brings a handsome stranger to dinner and the kids take sides. By the end of the night, however, Dad's visions turn him into a modern day Moses intent on leading this hungry group to the promised land of family forgiveness.

Of course they're all so stubborn, it'd be easier to part the Red Sea.

I know it is out of season, but as I was looking for an 'on demand' movie this title jumped out at me. I had never heard of it, I am not sure it made it into major release, but since I have been writing a play about a seder for a couple years now, I said what the hell and ordered it.

This is a great movie. Even if you have never been to a seder, you would be able to get the underlying message-- no matter how disfunctional, families are what connect us all and us to God.

THis movie does a great job of showing how seder is about freedom from bondage, the bondage of material things, emotional hurts, sins, slavery, genocide, and even our own self-doubts. It also does a great job of making the point that seder is for everyone, and that seder is outside linear time.

Just like seder it is layered with meanings. On the surface it is a screwball comedy, in the middle it is a universal heartwarming family story, and underneath it all it is a wonderful theological statement about own human connection to God.

Stages of life....

I think this is a great time to have a blog. My putterings are teaching me many things I used to rely on Dirk to do for me. He doesn't have the energy to do what I need or want, so here I am becoming much more comfortable with this technology.

My ponderings right now all seem to focus on me. In a way it seems self indulgent, silly , and very awkward, but at the same time necessary. I am embarking on a new stage of life. Before I set out on the journey I want to explore the stages I am leaving behind.

I was happy to leave my teenagehood behind! I was never comfortable being a teen. All my friends were older, they were all males, and we conquered many worlds through role playing games. So even before I chronologically left teenhood I escaped it other ways. Getting married a few weeks after turning 19 kind of ended it for good.

Young wife, mother, student, photographer, professor, tv producer, film maker, teacher, and Christian Formation director followed in very quick succession(actually most overlapped at one point I had 5 paying jobs and 2 volunteer jobs). I didn't have time to stop and breath, much less think for the next 20 years. Dirk and I struggled finacially, with time mangament, priorities, and just existing some years. With all our stuggles we held on to our common values and our faith. Most of these have now evened out, but I have also learned that struggle can lead to growth, so I don't resent it as much as I used to.

Next stage was becoming a full-time mentor and business owner. It was super exciting at first, I still LOVE what I do, but it now almost takes care of itself. The challenge and personal growth have slowed so much that I am losing my edge. I am so used to doing that I don't know how to be still. Even prayer for me is best when I am doing...rosary, labrynth, advent wreath, reading, etc...

So, now I am taking care of my mom who still hasn't regained much physicial strength since her bout with cancer. I am taking care of a husband who is very sick, but the doctors are baffled. I am no longer taking care of children. Feeling like I lost both Nathan and Kayleigh this year has been a hard adjustment, much harder than I was prepared for. Athena is here physically (when not traveling), but is emotionally gone--and she should be because she is also preparing to leave and it will be harder on her than the other two.

I am starting to feel invisible until someone wants something. When we moved into this house 7 years ago we had 8 people sharing equally in the workload daily. Now, I have to do just about everything... some of the center kids have stepped up and help when they are here, but when on long breaks it becomes clear that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I don't stress about housework too much, but there are 3 cats, 5 goats, 2 dogs, and 3-4 adults that need to be fed 2-3 meals a day. It is probably good for me, but I often resent having to walk the dogs twice a day. And the house does need basic care, the kitchen needing lots of care while I am learning how to cook the NT way. I love being at home, but I do wish I had somewhere to go besides church and running errands.

So for the new stage of life I am embarking on here is what I am looking for:

Classes of some kind (cooking, cake decorating, art.... I don't think it really matters)

Getting healthy, continuing regular exercise, eating the healthiest possible way, helping the doctors figure out why my body's endrocrine system doesn't work.

Friends that meet for dinner or coffee at least once a month.

Babies--probably baby goats, maybe baby rabbits or miniture ponies, but I need some kind of baby to care for ..... gee didn't I just say how I resent being the only one caring for the animals :)

People to challenge me to create, write, maybe even publish, paint, photograph, and who know and like me beyond my connections to my family.

All this seems like me, me, me and that is very, very hard for someone who has never put themselves first...

I am shocked!!!!

Living with Dirk must have really rubbed off! I took this quiz to prove I wasn't very nerdy, but here I end up with a score of 90%. Talk about shifting who you think you are......

Why no picture of me....

I was looking for a picture of me, but I can't find one right now that I want to scan into the computer....besides that would mean learning how to use the scanner! So not today, but I will maybe have Dirk or Athena take a picture of me in the next day or two. I want a picture the same way I want a good scale.

I want to record who I am, not just who I want to be. Without a scale or picture staring at me I can pretend I still look like I did 23 plus years ago :) Recently, I have seriously started to think about that identity. So many things are the same and yet so many things are different.

Then I taught homeschooled kids, now I teach homeschooled kids.

Then I played with painting and photography, now I play with painting and photography.

Then I was actively involved at church, now I am actively involved with a different church (same denomination).

Then I was writing for fun (screenplays, and comic books), now I am writing for fun (blogs, plays and novels). Nothing worth publishing!!!!

Then Dirk and I had just become a couple, now Dirk and I have shared a life-time together.

Then I wasn't sure where I was headed in life, but I wasn't going to be a TEACHER! Now I am not a teacher, I am a mentor :) but I am not sure who I am past that.

Then I lived in Louisville with my dad, now I live in Louisville and my mom lives with me.

I keep asking myself how things can be so much the same, even though I have done so many other things in the last 23 plus years!