Stages of life....

I think this is a great time to have a blog. My putterings are teaching me many things I used to rely on Dirk to do for me. He doesn't have the energy to do what I need or want, so here I am becoming much more comfortable with this technology.

My ponderings right now all seem to focus on me. In a way it seems self indulgent, silly , and very awkward, but at the same time necessary. I am embarking on a new stage of life. Before I set out on the journey I want to explore the stages I am leaving behind.

I was happy to leave my teenagehood behind! I was never comfortable being a teen. All my friends were older, they were all males, and we conquered many worlds through role playing games. So even before I chronologically left teenhood I escaped it other ways. Getting married a few weeks after turning 19 kind of ended it for good.

Young wife, mother, student, photographer, professor, tv producer, film maker, teacher, and Christian Formation director followed in very quick succession(actually most overlapped at one point I had 5 paying jobs and 2 volunteer jobs). I didn't have time to stop and breath, much less think for the next 20 years. Dirk and I struggled finacially, with time mangament, priorities, and just existing some years. With all our stuggles we held on to our common values and our faith. Most of these have now evened out, but I have also learned that struggle can lead to growth, so I don't resent it as much as I used to.

Next stage was becoming a full-time mentor and business owner. It was super exciting at first, I still LOVE what I do, but it now almost takes care of itself. The challenge and personal growth have slowed so much that I am losing my edge. I am so used to doing that I don't know how to be still. Even prayer for me is best when I am doing...rosary, labrynth, advent wreath, reading, etc...

So, now I am taking care of my mom who still hasn't regained much physicial strength since her bout with cancer. I am taking care of a husband who is very sick, but the doctors are baffled. I am no longer taking care of children. Feeling like I lost both Nathan and Kayleigh this year has been a hard adjustment, much harder than I was prepared for. Athena is here physically (when not traveling), but is emotionally gone--and she should be because she is also preparing to leave and it will be harder on her than the other two.

I am starting to feel invisible until someone wants something. When we moved into this house 7 years ago we had 8 people sharing equally in the workload daily. Now, I have to do just about everything... some of the center kids have stepped up and help when they are here, but when on long breaks it becomes clear that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I don't stress about housework too much, but there are 3 cats, 5 goats, 2 dogs, and 3-4 adults that need to be fed 2-3 meals a day. It is probably good for me, but I often resent having to walk the dogs twice a day. And the house does need basic care, the kitchen needing lots of care while I am learning how to cook the NT way. I love being at home, but I do wish I had somewhere to go besides church and running errands.

So for the new stage of life I am embarking on here is what I am looking for:

Classes of some kind (cooking, cake decorating, art.... I don't think it really matters)

Getting healthy, continuing regular exercise, eating the healthiest possible way, helping the doctors figure out why my body's endrocrine system doesn't work.

Friends that meet for dinner or coffee at least once a month.

Babies--probably baby goats, maybe baby rabbits or miniture ponies, but I need some kind of baby to care for ..... gee didn't I just say how I resent being the only one caring for the animals :)

People to challenge me to create, write, maybe even publish, paint, photograph, and who know and like me beyond my connections to my family.

All this seems like me, me, me and that is very, very hard for someone who has never put themselves first...