Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Wrath (Latin, ira)

I want thank Athena for helping me capture my vision.


Wrath may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. The transgressions borne of Wrath are among the most serious, including murder, assault, discrimination, and in extreme cases, genocide. Wrath is the only sin not necessarily associated with selfishness or self interest. Dante described Wrath as "love of justice perverted to revenge and spite".

I am not a very angry person. However, I do experience wrath...the uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger...when I think about my own body. I am content with my emotional life, my intellectual life, and very happy with my spiritual life, but when I think about my physical self this poisoned underground spring of hate bubbles up. I try and see past it. I do all the things the doctors tell me, I do all the things my personal trainers tell me, I do all things I know are 'right'. I keep doing, but all I want to do is stop doing. All this anger just sits simmering under the surface, this wrath that causes me to be self-destructive and want to give up.

It is not fair that none of it works. It is not fair that for 20 years my body has betrayed me, that people judge me and make assumptions about me on sight, it is not fair that I have missed out on so much due to my own preconcieved ideas. It is not fair that I can't dress up and be the pretty wife my husband deserves. It is not fair that nothing fits, and I have been told my two doctors that just holding my weight steady is a huge success, because of the PCOS. It doesn't feel like a success to see the scale holding steady or even dropping by 1/2 to 1/4 of a pound a week when I am doing what 'mathmatically' should result in 8-10 pound drops each week! I want to say 'what's th point', but I know that if I were not doing what I am doing, the scale would continue to climb at 2-3 pounds a week. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

The kids wrote essays yesterday about how betrayal is an external and bitterness is internal. What happens when the betrayal is also internal? How do I keep the bitterness I feel at my body's betrayal from destroying all the things that are beautiful and wonderful in my life?

Okay, that's it. My wrath has been out long enough, it is time to put it back in its little box and get back to work.

3 comments:

Katrina said...

How frustrating! I don't know what PCOS is, but I agree that it's just not fair! Sigh. Interesting distinction that bitterness is internal while betrayal is external.

Ampersand said...

Sandie, nothing but hugs and empathy from me. And I know that dealing with being overweight is both a psychological and physical hindrance. I want to wear a sign that says, "I am not a glutton."

You are so much more than your physical being, my friend. And, to me, who YOU are just beams all around you and through you and even through time and space over here to me :-).

I've just started working out at the local Y. I know the trainer expected me to say that weight loss was a goal. But, it isn't. If I lose weight, fine. If not, fine. I can't go thru life with that as a goal anymore. I just have to be the healthiest that I can. No more waiting to feel good about myself.

I gotta be me!

SUSAN said...

That was powerful Sandie!

I second everything Ampersand said!!

I don't have PCOS but have diabetes and thyroid and understand the frustration of eating like everyone else but looking like you eat more than everyone else! It's not fair, I agree.

Before I read your rant my first thought, from the photo, was how creative you are, Sandie. That is a beautiful pose and this was my second thought...I want to see her face!

Hugs,
Susan